Who do you want to be ?

It's been a long week. I started working last week on Thursday. They have me working the closing shift... I don't want to complain but ugh. traffic. but yeah! Work! income! I worked 39 hours this week.

I have a lot of feelings and emotions; but can't find the words to express them. I feel numb. I often forget that I'm married to HIM. Not because I forget I'm married - I still wear my wedding band- but because the person he is today is NOT the man I married. That person doesn't exist. And I know I've said that before; but it hits me again and again every day.
I think I'm numb because it still hurts so badly. I lost my best friend. I used to share everything with him. The small mundane, the joys, the fears, the sorrows. We had a life. It feels so far removed from who I am now, the life I now live.


(I wrote the above a few days ago and never finished my thoughts)


I went to my counseling appointment on Tuesday evening. I feel like I'm stuck. I'm not progressing with my healing. I'm married (but really I'm the only one in the marriage) I'm not single, I'm not even mentally ready to be single. and nowhere near ready to date again (although I have been semi-set-up twice with a guy at my church). I'm just existing.


So anyway, my counselor told me that I needed to figure out who I wanted to be. That this is a time I can reinvent myself. So my homework for next session is to figure this out. Who is Stephanie going to be? Who do I want to be? I don't have anyone I need to take care of, other than myself. I don't need to ask permission of anyone. She said that if I decide who I want to be that I can then take steps to get there.
But that's where I'm stuck. All I really ever wanted was to get married, have a family, and be there for my husband and children. And while I didn't have my own child; I was living that life. and it was better than I ever dreamed. So who do you become after you had everything you wanted?


And I don't need other people to tell me who I should want to be, after all it's my life and I need to live it in the end... but who am I? I really feel like I got lost in the last couple of years. I was SSgt Miller's wife. I was a nanny. I was a step-mom.


I don't remember who I was before him. How did I spend my time? What did I used to talk about with people? What are things I wanted to learn to do... knit, crochet, get back into running....


Maybe tomorrow, for now, it's past bedtime. .. (But I REALLY HAD to watch 2 episodes of Gilmore Girls.  no, really.)