Random

My head is all random thoughts today. I've had a hard time concentrating most of the afternoon and evening.

Yesterday morning I woke up with a job offer for a position I applied for a couple of weeks ago. So I called the place today to find out when they wanted me to start and any extra information I might need to know. I start Monday at 10am. That is good. I need income.

I spoke to my lawyer's assistant and got some things squared away in terms of the divorce. And I understand the process this is all taking a little more (I like to understand things in order to know what I'm paying for and how long the process might all take.) So that's good, too. As good as a divorce can be, I guess.

I went on a mission to find a couple cheap but still semi-professional shirts for work. I'll be working with children but have a lot of meetings, Bible Study's, and support groups after work hours, so if my shirt gets dirty, I'd like to have a change of clothes available to me in my work closet. I started at Old Navy because they were having 75% off their clearance... I found a couple "meh" shirts. Which would have been fine, but I'd rather have something I like so it's not a disaster when I HAVE to wear it. They didn't make me feel good, they fit weird. So I didn't buy anything there. Next I went to Talbot. I love Talbot, I love crisp tailored clothes. The store happened to be an outlet and, again, everything was on sale! I walked out with a pair of jeans, 2 pairs of corduroy's (which granted I can't wear until the fall), 2 sweaters, and 2 tank tops. And I only spent $72! Considering the regular price on the pair of jeans was $119, I think I got a steal of a deal!! So not exactly what I went out searching for, but whatever... maybe I'll try Lane Bryant tomorrow.

I then sat in traffic for an hour and half to go to counseling. I hate the traffic in the D.C. area. I was only going 25 miles away and it took me 90 minutes to get there.. Tell me why I want to move here again??


So I arrive at counseling and she asks me how I'm doing (as usual) and after I tell her that I'm actually doing well, she comments on the fact that I look happy, rested, and calm. I tell her I start work on Monday and that I might actually be able to afford a place of my own come September.... that takes a LOT of stress away (income, insurance, roof over my head, food on my table). We started talking about what baggage I might be carrying out of my marriage. I told her the biggest thing was probably trust. My husband shattered every ounce of trust I had in him within a matter of seconds. I didn't trust him very easily either. At the very beginning I did, I didn't have any reason not to trust him. But (and maybe this should have been some sort of  'red flag') within a couple of months he started behaving selfishly, not being as reliable as he had been at the beginning, as if the newness of the relationship didn't keep his attention and focus as it once had. Or maybe I made up the newness in my own mind.. In any case, my trust with him waivered for a long time. Years maybe. That's why I hesitated over and over again to agree to marry him. Why I broke up with him time and time again after agreeing to marry him. Yet he still pursued me. That's when he put in the extra effort, that's when he started acting like the guy I knew at the beginning of the relationship. So I thought maybe it was just extenuating circumstances that changed his behavior in the middle. And I finally agreed to marry him. And we got married... and now we're here.


All that to say, I don't know how to really trust now. And hopefully it'll sort of pass with time. Hopefully, I'll begin to recognize that it's HIM who's not trustworthy, not everyone, not new people. I told my counselor that I didn't know if I wanted to ever go through the whole dating, getting to know someone, calling out your own baggage and hoping the other person is able to deal with it... all of that nonsense. She said something that is probably more true than I want to admit at this point in the break down of my marriage....


She said, "I've heard you talk about your life goals and dreams. How you feel most content being a stay-at-home wife and mother. How that brings you joy. I don't think you'll find contentment working and being alone for the rest of your life."


There ya have it. I'll probably be suckered into another relationship at some point. This time I need a MAN. My first husband was 2 years younger than me, my current husband is 6 years younger than me... How about I find someone at least 6 months older than me.. Or mature. Or in touch with reality.

I've been working on a post about forgiveness. How I will need to forgive him for what he's done. How me harboring the anger and sadness doesn't do me any good. But I don't know how to forgive him.  Anyway, I've been working on that post for a week and I just can't quite get my words out on 'paper' like they are in my head. So maybe this weekend I'll get it right. Or stop caring if it's exactly right and just publish it as it is....

I'm off to bed now.