It's almost as if people expect me not to miss him. Just because I've come to the realization, his true and real decision, that he wants a divorce. And because I've got a lawyer, now I feel as if my friends don't expect me to still mourn this loss.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Sometimes longer than I want to. Longer than I'd like to admit. I do wish he'd call me and tell me he's made a huge mistake, that she's not better than me, that he doesn't want her. That he still loves me that he'll always love me and the thousand other promises he made to me over the last 6 years. I haven't forgotten a single one of them. I still wish I could hold him to them, we are STILL married, aren't we?
I don't even know what happened, where it all went wrong. One day we are laughing and talking about our future. Adoption. And the next, he's a changed person. He no longer wants to be mine. He no longer wants me, our future. Our life is made a mockery of by his behavior. I am nothing more than the "Crazy wife", clearly. And the demise of our relationship is obviously all my fault.
My fault.... I'm the first to admit I'm not the perfect wife. But I loved him, every part of him, even the pieces I didn't like, I still loved intensely. He became a part of me. Enmeshed. Maybe I didn't love him the way he wanted. Maybe I was more type-A. Maybe I did have a hard time relaxing, slowing down. Maybe I was a dreamer, wanting more than the status quo. More than the life we had. But I loved him. I loved him with every inch of me. Ever fiber of my being.
I've tried to stop trying to analyze his behavior. Did something snap in his mind? Is he having a mid-30's break down? Did he have this all planned out from the beginning? Was the man I fell in love with not real? The love was real. My feelings were real, ARE real.
I miss him every night. I can barely remember what his arms felt like around me, the sound of his voice when he'd say my name. The smell of his skin fresh from a shower. How he'd run his fingers through my hair. The bed is impossibly big. That side of the bed is now cold.
My friends all hate him. They want me to hate him. And there are moments that I do. I hate what he's done to us on every level. I hate the things he's said to me out of anger or to get a reaction out of me. But mostly I miss him. He was my husband, my lover, the father of our future children, my best friend. We were a family.
We were instant best friends, really. He seemed to hang on every word I said, while at the same time remaining aloof.. I was immediately smitten. He made me laugh. He was charming. We talked for hours at a time, telling each other our life stories, sharing hopes and dreams of the future. And then one day he just asked, "Will you go to Japan with me?" and without a second of hesitation, I replied, "yes." I wish I could say that it was all smooth sailing from there; but that would be a lie. We didn't marry for 2 years after that day. Mixed emotions, fear, deployment kept us apart. I didn't want to love him; but I couldn't help it. He was the first person I ever felt completely comfortable with, naked even. He saw every flaw, stretch mark, cellulite. And he loved every inch of me, intensely.
Or did I make that up? Was he not really loving me, but feeding me lines? I know I won't ever know the answers. I have so many questions, they keep coming, more and more as time goes on. So many that I don't even really want to know the answer to; I just want him to know how tightly he has me wrapped up. How confused he has made me. How much harm he has done to me.
And I know I'll be okay. I will eventually go through the day and NOT think about him. And eventually we will divorce. And all the things will get packed in boxes or sold. And I will move out. He won't know where I live. I will block his email address, his phone numbers... and heal. I guess I've been healing for a few weeks now though. When I left that night. When I hit my breaking point. When I called him out on all of his lies. He crossed that final line and I pushed back.
I also know, that even if this wasn't part of his plan. Somehow, I may not even know how or when, it'll be part of God's plan. He will weave it into a testimony of my life. And I know that with His strength and my faith in Him I will be okay. My heart will hurt less and less as time goes on. But for now, I trust His plan and not his plan.
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