I laughed!

Backstory:
Twenty years ago I met some of the most amazing people from all over the world (although most of them were from the USA) in a chatroom. We were all teenagers then. Ranging from 19 to 13. We talked together online for probably 2 years very actively. After that time, some of us decided to meet in person. This became a regular yearly vacation in Cleveland Ohio. (Don't ask why Cleveland because that's a longer story...)
Anyway, there were 4 of us who went every year... I think we went 3 or 4 times. But maybe it was only 2 or 3. It doesn't matter... Years later, 2 of the friends were engaged and getting married. I was a bridesmaid in their 07/07/07 wedding in Tennessee. It was glorious and fun and happy.
Through the years we've added people, roommates, friends, spouses. And we've lost touch for certain periods of time. Somehow, and through the wonderful use of Facebook, we've been able to keep in touch more recently.



So last night I'm talking with the groom from the 07/07/07 wedding. He and I are pretty close. We've always had in depth conversations. And I said to him "We should get a chat room started and invite everyone!" And he started a group on facebook.. and we have been chatting all together for about 24 hours now. I find it amazing and special that after all these years we can still come together and it feels like no time has passed. There are some people that I know better than others, most of them I have met (even if it was just one time, 10  years ago, at the wedding) but I'm comfortable to have a conversation with any of them. And we each have our own relationships while still maintaining this group dynamic. They're all really special people. So why the "I laughed" as the post title. Because I was laughing so hard. Side was hurting... all night long. (like I didn't go to sleep until after 10am)

I may not have seen them in 10 years, but I know these people have my back. I know they are there for me through everything; we've all lived a lot of life and shared a lot of joys and sorrows together. Even when one of our friends passed away, marriages, kids, divorces. We may have been miles and miles apart; but we've each shared the pain of the other.

I feel like I'm not doing this post justice. Last night was the first time in probably 15 years we were all in the same place at the same time. And it was glorious.

Who do you want to be ?

It's been a long week. I started working last week on Thursday. They have me working the closing shift... I don't want to complain but ugh. traffic. but yeah! Work! income! I worked 39 hours this week.

I have a lot of feelings and emotions; but can't find the words to express them. I feel numb. I often forget that I'm married to HIM. Not because I forget I'm married - I still wear my wedding band- but because the person he is today is NOT the man I married. That person doesn't exist. And I know I've said that before; but it hits me again and again every day.
I think I'm numb because it still hurts so badly. I lost my best friend. I used to share everything with him. The small mundane, the joys, the fears, the sorrows. We had a life. It feels so far removed from who I am now, the life I now live.


(I wrote the above a few days ago and never finished my thoughts)


I went to my counseling appointment on Tuesday evening. I feel like I'm stuck. I'm not progressing with my healing. I'm married (but really I'm the only one in the marriage) I'm not single, I'm not even mentally ready to be single. and nowhere near ready to date again (although I have been semi-set-up twice with a guy at my church). I'm just existing.


So anyway, my counselor told me that I needed to figure out who I wanted to be. That this is a time I can reinvent myself. So my homework for next session is to figure this out. Who is Stephanie going to be? Who do I want to be? I don't have anyone I need to take care of, other than myself. I don't need to ask permission of anyone. She said that if I decide who I want to be that I can then take steps to get there.
But that's where I'm stuck. All I really ever wanted was to get married, have a family, and be there for my husband and children. And while I didn't have my own child; I was living that life. and it was better than I ever dreamed. So who do you become after you had everything you wanted?


And I don't need other people to tell me who I should want to be, after all it's my life and I need to live it in the end... but who am I? I really feel like I got lost in the last couple of years. I was SSgt Miller's wife. I was a nanny. I was a step-mom.


I don't remember who I was before him. How did I spend my time? What did I used to talk about with people? What are things I wanted to learn to do... knit, crochet, get back into running....


Maybe tomorrow, for now, it's past bedtime. .. (But I REALLY HAD to watch 2 episodes of Gilmore Girls.  no, really.)

I don't think the pain will ever go away...

It's been a rough week emotionally. I am torn. Half of me feels numb and the other half of me continually breaks.
Nothing of this divorce feels good, or right. I got an email from my PA lawyer today; I have to appear in court with him on August 10. It's a Thursday. I don't have vacation time to use from work until September 13. So now I have to pay money to drive to PA and take a day off work, just to face him. Meanwhile, he will take off on Thursday and Friday and get paid, spend 4 days together.... *sigh* I need my brain to be wiped clean. I want to forget him. I keep trying to move my life ahead and it's like every time I start getting where I think I should be; I get pulled back down into his mess. Between rude emails, waste of time phone calls, and now this legal mess.

And I don't even know WHY he wants this divorce. That's the part that really angers and frustrates me. He hasn't given me a real answer, a straight answer. It's all just stupid. Insane. Crazy.


I know I should focus on the positive things happening in my life; and maybe I will tomorrow. But tonight, I go back to missing him, the good times, the way he'd say my name, the feeling of his fingers running through my hair as I'd drift off to sleep. I hate that it still hurts this much. I miss our life together.

At a loss for words... frustration

I don't know how to start this entry, my mind is swirling around and around and I can feel myself "stewing" in anger and I really don't want that.

I met with my Pastor and his wife this morning, that went well.

I stopped at the post office to get a money order for my VA background check; the door was locked even though the hours were posted as them being open... and so began my frustration.

I went to the house afterwards and sorted through some of my clothes (keep vs donate), the books (keep, his, try and sell) and the DVDs (mine or his). I took a little break to check email and the bank accounts (I check them daily or multiple times a day as he spends money from the joint accounts at all sorts of random times). That's when I saw the nearly $200 pending transaction at Amazon. What is he buying NOW? He spent $230 yesterday at the BX (Turns out he bought a weed-eater, new shoes, and some sort of electronic thingy). So I logged into Amazon.... he bought something for himself (which we had discussed purchasing at Christmas-time, so it's "ok" that he bought it now) and he bought something to *ahem* enhance their private time together *ahem*. for $89. The anger and frustration and ANGER took over and I clicked "cancel order" knowing it would send him an email immediately, and I didn't care. The order couldn't be cancelled; so I printed out the order so I can prove he's spending joint funds on HER.


And then his assault of emails began... "where are you?" "What are you doing?" "You need to answer me". Then he called me 5 times from his work number but didn't leave any voicemail. I emailed him and said "You called me 5 times but didn't leave a message, do you need something?" He replied a bit later saying "I need you to call and talk to me"  I wanted to reply "You need to stop sleeping with another woman while you're married to me." But instead I wrote "What is there to talk about? I have nothing to say to you"  So now it's been 3 hours and he's replied with 3 additional emails of him spewing anger at me.... I KNOW I was in the wrong; but where does he get off NOT seeing what he's doing is wrong? How come he just keeps pointing the finger at me? "You need to talk to me like an adult." "I need answers from you" "You need to answer the phone RIGHT NOW" Who is this person who talks to me like this? My husband would never say such things to me. I think he's a narcissist (at least has narcissistic tendencies) my pastor thinks he's acting childish and having the worst temper tantrum. In either case, I won't take it.

I put a filter on his personal and work email accounts, any email from him will go directly to his folder and my phone will not notify me when he has emailed me. And I can check his email when I want, if I want. If he really needs to talk to me, he can call me. He does have a working cell phone.

While there I disconnected the land line telephones (they were mine before we got married) and then the printer. This is a grey area.. We bought the printer together about 2 years ago (maybe September or October 2015). We bought it because MY printer (which was mine before we got married) broke in the move from Japan to D.C.) So does that make it "my" printer? Maybe I  shouldn't have taken it. But he only uses it to print out pictures of owls to then trace and color them for her, and claim them as original artwork. *ugh*


I left the house at 2:40 to go to a doctor's appointment, turns out the appointment is tomorrow. So I went back to the house and made myself a frozen pizza and watched some tv. I had a dentist appointment at 5. So I left around 4. I drove in traffic (as there's always traffic here) only to find out that my appointment is tomorrow as well.

And I know I need to start looking at the positive things I accomplished today (got the money order, sorted through some things that were tedious and I wasn't looking forward to doing) but I had a mental list of things to do tomorrow, which I can't do now because I have to go back to the doctor and dentist.

I'm just frustrated and needed to vent.

It wasn't me.

Some days it's all too much.

I woke up ready to tackle the day... and then got stuck waiting for my friend - who was sleeping in. That's all good and fine, and I didn't ask her husband if she was up and getting ready or sleeping in.. so that's my fault. But I wasted a lot of time this morning waiting. That's fine. Once she was up and ready, she went with me back to the house, my house, our house and helped me pack and organize some things there. I could only handle being there for 2 hours. I was in the craft room/guest room, which is where he has been sleeping for months now. Early on, I would get into the bed after he left for work and I would inhale the lingering scent of him. It smelled different then but it was still him. His body had laid there. So being in the room with the bed... I couldn't take much of it. I did the bare minimum and then we left. I did throw out 3 bags of trash, gave a bag of craft supplies to a neighbor, and gave my friend 2 sets of sheets (We had 7 sets, so I'm sure I'll get by just fine with the remaining 5 sets.. I'll probably purge down to 4 still.... I don't want to have so much stuff that I don't have room and I'm just moving stuff for the sake of having stuff... We shall see). She did organize my jewelry which was nice, When we moved from Japan to D.C. he did it for me, I hate that kind of stuff. I need to purge through the necklaces and earrings.. I want to go so minimalistic that I have an easier streamlined life. But for now, the jewelry is packed.

I then met a couple who's looking for a sitter for their baby in a couple of weeks. They just moved here from Germany. They seemed nice, young, and their boy is cute. So that'll be some easy money in a couple of weeks.

I came back to the house (where I'm staying/living, not our house) around 8pm. I came down to my room and debated going to bed. But I have had this sinking feeling in my stomach for hours now. (it's 11:40pm now). It won't go away. It's this horrible empty feeling. Like I'm missing something. someone.

I was telling my friend (who helped me this morning, I'm also staying at her house for the month of July) that I look at pictures of my husband and I and I'm not sure if I should keep them because *I* was there (in Tokyo, in Hawaii, on various vacations) or if they'll just create sadness in years to come. I really thought he was the love of my life. But in reality, he was just a big liar and the man in those pictures, the man I've been falling in love with over the past (almost) 6 years, just doesn't exist. But it's not that I made him out to be greater than he was. He had everyone fooled. Everyone thought we were so happy and good for each other. Everyone has been as dumbfounded by all of this as me. Only they don't have the heartache that goes with it.

I haven't cried in about a week. Probably the longest I have gone without crying in the past 4 months. When this all first surfaced, "this nonsense" is what I call it because it IS nonsensical! Anyway, when this all first started, I cried ALL THE TIME. I wasn't sleeping or eating. I was barely functioning.

I miss him. It's not fair. Even if he's just living in some sort of perceived self-happiness, he still shouldn't be there. with her. There isn't a single thing about this that's right. Or good. And I hate that even in all the missing, and feeling like a part of me is missing, like someone is trying to rip my arm off.. the pain that comes with it; there is also healing.


I'm trying to make some semblance of a life from this madness; but it hit me this evening as I was looking at apartments, that he created all of this mess. I mean I knew that, I've been telling people that for months, "He created all of this mess and I just have to try and clean it up as best as I can for myself." But HE DID THIS. I didn't have any part of this. I didn't want any part of this.
I tried to steer us away from this, to protect our broken marriage.
Tried to still do good for him, for us.
Tried to go to counseling, tried to work on myself,
Tried to be a better communicator,
Tried to make him happy,
Tried to make myself available for him,
Tried to be interested in his hobbies,
and I failed. I shouldn't say that.


I WORKED.
I tried.
I was willing to put the work in. I was willing to put in 20000000000%.


He just stopped.


He stopped caring,
stopped wanting anything to do with me, us, our life, our plans.
He stopped loving me (although sometimes I wonder if he's so angry now because he DOES still love me and he does realize that it wasn't me.. although maybe that's just what I want him to think/feel).
He failed me.
He failed us.
He quit.


It wasn't me.

Random

My head is all random thoughts today. I've had a hard time concentrating most of the afternoon and evening.

Yesterday morning I woke up with a job offer for a position I applied for a couple of weeks ago. So I called the place today to find out when they wanted me to start and any extra information I might need to know. I start Monday at 10am. That is good. I need income.

I spoke to my lawyer's assistant and got some things squared away in terms of the divorce. And I understand the process this is all taking a little more (I like to understand things in order to know what I'm paying for and how long the process might all take.) So that's good, too. As good as a divorce can be, I guess.

I went on a mission to find a couple cheap but still semi-professional shirts for work. I'll be working with children but have a lot of meetings, Bible Study's, and support groups after work hours, so if my shirt gets dirty, I'd like to have a change of clothes available to me in my work closet. I started at Old Navy because they were having 75% off their clearance... I found a couple "meh" shirts. Which would have been fine, but I'd rather have something I like so it's not a disaster when I HAVE to wear it. They didn't make me feel good, they fit weird. So I didn't buy anything there. Next I went to Talbot. I love Talbot, I love crisp tailored clothes. The store happened to be an outlet and, again, everything was on sale! I walked out with a pair of jeans, 2 pairs of corduroy's (which granted I can't wear until the fall), 2 sweaters, and 2 tank tops. And I only spent $72! Considering the regular price on the pair of jeans was $119, I think I got a steal of a deal!! So not exactly what I went out searching for, but whatever... maybe I'll try Lane Bryant tomorrow.

I then sat in traffic for an hour and half to go to counseling. I hate the traffic in the D.C. area. I was only going 25 miles away and it took me 90 minutes to get there.. Tell me why I want to move here again??


So I arrive at counseling and she asks me how I'm doing (as usual) and after I tell her that I'm actually doing well, she comments on the fact that I look happy, rested, and calm. I tell her I start work on Monday and that I might actually be able to afford a place of my own come September.... that takes a LOT of stress away (income, insurance, roof over my head, food on my table). We started talking about what baggage I might be carrying out of my marriage. I told her the biggest thing was probably trust. My husband shattered every ounce of trust I had in him within a matter of seconds. I didn't trust him very easily either. At the very beginning I did, I didn't have any reason not to trust him. But (and maybe this should have been some sort of  'red flag') within a couple of months he started behaving selfishly, not being as reliable as he had been at the beginning, as if the newness of the relationship didn't keep his attention and focus as it once had. Or maybe I made up the newness in my own mind.. In any case, my trust with him waivered for a long time. Years maybe. That's why I hesitated over and over again to agree to marry him. Why I broke up with him time and time again after agreeing to marry him. Yet he still pursued me. That's when he put in the extra effort, that's when he started acting like the guy I knew at the beginning of the relationship. So I thought maybe it was just extenuating circumstances that changed his behavior in the middle. And I finally agreed to marry him. And we got married... and now we're here.


All that to say, I don't know how to really trust now. And hopefully it'll sort of pass with time. Hopefully, I'll begin to recognize that it's HIM who's not trustworthy, not everyone, not new people. I told my counselor that I didn't know if I wanted to ever go through the whole dating, getting to know someone, calling out your own baggage and hoping the other person is able to deal with it... all of that nonsense. She said something that is probably more true than I want to admit at this point in the break down of my marriage....


She said, "I've heard you talk about your life goals and dreams. How you feel most content being a stay-at-home wife and mother. How that brings you joy. I don't think you'll find contentment working and being alone for the rest of your life."


There ya have it. I'll probably be suckered into another relationship at some point. This time I need a MAN. My first husband was 2 years younger than me, my current husband is 6 years younger than me... How about I find someone at least 6 months older than me.. Or mature. Or in touch with reality.

I've been working on a post about forgiveness. How I will need to forgive him for what he's done. How me harboring the anger and sadness doesn't do me any good. But I don't know how to forgive him.  Anyway, I've been working on that post for a week and I just can't quite get my words out on 'paper' like they are in my head. So maybe this weekend I'll get it right. Or stop caring if it's exactly right and just publish it as it is....

I'm off to bed now.

What a difference a day makes!

I couldn't sleep last night. I was awake crying and looking at old pictures of my husband and I. I still managed to make it to church at 10am. (Albeit I was 5 minutes late.) After church, I came home and got ready for a cook-out/pool party with some people from church.

I love this church. The members have really embraced me and are reaching out in so many ways to try and show me God's love.

Anyway, I got ready for the party and went around the corner. The house is .4miles from where I'm staying; but thanks to D.C. roads and neighborhoods, It took me 15 minutes to get there..So I go, I eat, I talk some, I go in the pool. It was so refreshing. The water was warmer; but the sun had been shining on it all afternoon. Pool floating. More conversation. Happy memories made.

Changed back into my clothes and headed off to Bible Study. Greeted with hugs and exclamations of, "We were waiting for you!"

Moving out of the house was the hardest thing I have done (maybe ever) but it was the best thing for my emotional health and stability. I have been blessed with some of the greatest friends and church family.

All Part of the Plan...

It's almost as if people expect me not to miss him. Just because I've come to the realization, his true and real decision, that he wants a divorce. And because I've got a lawyer, now I feel as if my friends don't expect me to still mourn this loss.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Sometimes longer than I want to. Longer than I'd like to admit. I do wish he'd call me and tell me he's made a huge mistake, that she's not better than me, that he doesn't want her. That he still loves me that he'll always love me and the thousand other promises he made to me over the last 6 years. I haven't forgotten a single one of them. I still wish I could hold him to them, we are STILL married, aren't we?
I don't even know what happened, where it all went wrong. One day we are laughing and talking about our future. Adoption. And the next, he's a changed person. He no longer wants to be mine. He no longer wants me, our future. Our life is made a mockery of by his behavior. I am nothing more than the "Crazy wife", clearly. And the demise of our relationship is obviously all my fault.
My fault.... I'm the first to admit I'm not the perfect wife. But I loved him, every part of him, even the pieces I didn't like, I still loved intensely. He became a part of me. Enmeshed. Maybe I didn't love him the way he wanted. Maybe I was more type-A. Maybe I did have a hard time relaxing, slowing down. Maybe I was a dreamer, wanting more than the status quo. More than the life we had. But I loved him. I loved him with every inch of me. Ever fiber of my being.
I've tried to stop trying to analyze his behavior. Did something snap in his mind? Is he having a mid-30's break down? Did he have this all planned out from the beginning? Was the man I fell in love with not real? The love was real. My feelings were real, ARE real.
I miss him every night. I can barely remember what his arms felt like around me, the sound of his voice when he'd say my name. The smell of his skin fresh from a shower. How he'd run his fingers through my hair. The bed is impossibly big. That side of the bed is now cold.
My friends all hate him. They want me to hate him. And there are moments that I do. I hate what he's done to us on every level. I hate the things he's said to me out of anger or to get a reaction out of me. But mostly I miss him. He was my husband, my lover, the father of our future children, my best friend. We were a family.
We were instant best friends, really. He seemed to hang on every word I said, while at the same time remaining aloof.. I was immediately smitten. He made me laugh. He was charming. We talked for hours at a time, telling each other our life stories, sharing hopes and dreams of the future. And then one day he just asked, "Will you go to Japan with me?" and without a second of hesitation, I replied, "yes." I wish I could say that it was all smooth sailing from there; but that would be a lie. We didn't marry for 2 years after that day. Mixed emotions, fear, deployment kept us apart. I didn't want to love him; but I couldn't help it. He was the first person I ever felt completely comfortable with, naked even. He saw every flaw, stretch mark, cellulite. And he loved every inch of me, intensely.
Or did I make that up? Was he not really loving me, but feeding me lines? I know I won't ever know the answers. I have so many questions, they keep coming, more and more as time goes on. So many that I don't even really want to know the answer to; I just want him to know how tightly he has me wrapped up. How confused he has made me. How much harm he has done to me.

And I know I'll be okay. I will eventually go through the day and NOT think about him. And eventually we will divorce. And all the things will get packed in boxes or sold. And I will move out. He won't know where I live. I will block his email address, his phone numbers... and heal. I guess I've been healing for a few weeks now though. When I left that night. When I hit my breaking point. When I called him out on all of his lies. He crossed that final line and I pushed back.
I also know, that even if this wasn't part of his plan. Somehow, I may not even know how or when, it'll be part of God's plan. He will weave it into a testimony of my life. And I know that with His strength and my faith in Him I will be okay. My heart will hurt less and less as time goes on. But for now, I trust His plan and not his plan.