Dreams

While sitting at a traffic light on my drive home from work today, a thought occurred to me: I'm still married. And because of that, he's still cheating.

Sounds pretty obvious and maybe simplistic; but sometimes I forget. This is not the life I had imagined with him - I mean who does, right? Live what you think is the most realistic fairytale ever.. find Prince Charming only to realize he's more like Prince Hans from Frozen. For the past 5 months I have had to deal with a man who once claimed to love me more than he had ever thought possible, such over the top romantic words.. I was actually scared to believe he was real (always always trust your gut!). In fact, I was so skeptical of him that it took him asking me to marry him, 3 times (I think) before, in the end, I asked him to ask me one more time. That was 4 years ago today. Obviously had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't have continued the relationship. I would have never been a part of it. But I'm trying to be more optimistic about things, trying to find the silver-lining. I got to experience Japan (as much as I hated it at the time) and that's where I met so many amazing people. Friends. And because of the job I had there, my family grew. I was able to finally go to Hawaii... I moved to DC and met even more amazing people. And now, I have a great job, employment, a career again. And even hope for a future for myself.


I hate nights like last.. sleeping soundly and then he comes into my dream. And her. And it brings up all of the emotions that I just don't want to process at 4:30 in the morning. It felt so real. She was telling me she wanted to talk about how things happened from her side. Her perspective. She kept trying to give me her phone number so we could talk and he kept trying to intervene. I don't take dreams to mean things.. I do think sometimes they play on our insecurities and fears. But I don't think this means I need to go do something, or that there should be any kind of 'take away' from it. I woke up in a daze and couldn't go back to sleep.

This is my first Saturday without the nagging feeling of 'go pack the house' or 'clean something at the house' or 'what did he take from the house THIS time'.... I took everything I wanted, I know where it is (in my storage unit). Yet I have no plans. Which is a nice feeling; but also a bit of a let-down. I need to do laundry, I'm gonna go for a run. Maybe see if I can see a friend, take her to lunch or something, although it's already 10am.. so maybe dinner. I need to run to Ft Belvoir and pick up a prescription before the pharmacy closes. I also need to work out a budget so I can get serious about finding a place of my own to live.

I won't get started unless I get up..