Happy

I am surrounded by love. People who took me in on my worst days, provided a meal, a hug, a roof over my head (for months now!) and have never asked anything in return. They have encouraged me, helped me pack and move, listened to me cry and unpack the pain. It's been a long road and I'm sure I still have further to go.

But as I was leaving work today, after a very long week, and a REALLY trying Friday... I realized I actually LOVE my job. (I mean, yeah it's work, and I wish I could sleep all day and be independently wealthy, but that's not my reality)... I called my sister to tell her I loved my job. Something positive for a change. I realized, not only do I love my job but..


I AM HAPPY.


to those of you who have loved me, housed me, fed me, hugged me, encouraged me, texted me, called me, prayed for and with me. Thank you. I can never repay you for the way you've built me back up.

Random Thought..

I know I shouldn't even be jumping this far ahead of the healing process.. because I'm still married.. but I was making my lunch for tomorrow and had this random thought: will there ever be someone who truly loves me and has the same goals and dreams for his life?

Dreams

While sitting at a traffic light on my drive home from work today, a thought occurred to me: I'm still married. And because of that, he's still cheating.

Sounds pretty obvious and maybe simplistic; but sometimes I forget. This is not the life I had imagined with him - I mean who does, right? Live what you think is the most realistic fairytale ever.. find Prince Charming only to realize he's more like Prince Hans from Frozen. For the past 5 months I have had to deal with a man who once claimed to love me more than he had ever thought possible, such over the top romantic words.. I was actually scared to believe he was real (always always trust your gut!). In fact, I was so skeptical of him that it took him asking me to marry him, 3 times (I think) before, in the end, I asked him to ask me one more time. That was 4 years ago today. Obviously had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't have continued the relationship. I would have never been a part of it. But I'm trying to be more optimistic about things, trying to find the silver-lining. I got to experience Japan (as much as I hated it at the time) and that's where I met so many amazing people. Friends. And because of the job I had there, my family grew. I was able to finally go to Hawaii... I moved to DC and met even more amazing people. And now, I have a great job, employment, a career again. And even hope for a future for myself.


I hate nights like last.. sleeping soundly and then he comes into my dream. And her. And it brings up all of the emotions that I just don't want to process at 4:30 in the morning. It felt so real. She was telling me she wanted to talk about how things happened from her side. Her perspective. She kept trying to give me her phone number so we could talk and he kept trying to intervene. I don't take dreams to mean things.. I do think sometimes they play on our insecurities and fears. But I don't think this means I need to go do something, or that there should be any kind of 'take away' from it. I woke up in a daze and couldn't go back to sleep.

This is my first Saturday without the nagging feeling of 'go pack the house' or 'clean something at the house' or 'what did he take from the house THIS time'.... I took everything I wanted, I know where it is (in my storage unit). Yet I have no plans. Which is a nice feeling; but also a bit of a let-down. I need to do laundry, I'm gonna go for a run. Maybe see if I can see a friend, take her to lunch or something, although it's already 10am.. so maybe dinner. I need to run to Ft Belvoir and pick up a prescription before the pharmacy closes. I also need to work out a budget so I can get serious about finding a place of my own to live.

I won't get started unless I get up..

I just don't know...

He loved me once, right? There's no way I could have made this all up in my head. It was too real. So real I felt it in my toes. 

Then how do you treat someone you once loved so poorly? I didn't even do anything to prompt this ... my mind is spinning and I can't seem to focus on anything..

August 10

I have to face him in court next week. Just the thought of it makes my heart race and gives me that stabbing pain.
I saw my counselor tonight and told her that I have to see him. She thinks if just the thought gives me some anxiety that I should have a plan in place for what I'm going to do before/during/after... so I asked my family if any of them would come to court with me, even though the hearing will probably be less than an hour. Most of them said "probably, let me check with work". In the afternoon, I'm going to my old stylist and getting red highlights/lowlights (?) in celebration of ME and wanting to do something for me. And the fact that he HATED when I'd get anything other than blonde highlights.... so poo-poo on him!


I don't have much else going on; working a lot and trying to be social and active. I gotta get to sleep now.