Thanksgiving happened...

I moved into my apartment at the beginning of the month. I don't know if it's starting to feel like home yet, or it's just the new normal for me. Most of the place is unpacked; that was the easy part.. it's finding homes for everything. the kitchen is really small. I have 3 lower cabinets and 3 drawers.. I hate under cabinets.. I'm working at putting things in the china cabinet.. maybe I'll just leave one of the lower cabinets for trash cans and recycling. I'm ready for the 'settling in' phase to be done and do the fun decorating and LIVING in this place. Maybe even have someone or people over for dinner!
My biggest pet peeve is the camel crickets. They seem to literally come out of the walls! I keep killing them and vacuuming them up. I need to let my landlord know they're everywhere... And ask about an exterminator or some sort of bug killer. They're destructive.


Nothing is happening with the divorce at this point. He mis-filed in PA... again. My lawyer said she could fix it; but it'll cost me a couple hundred dollars... I think in the end.. I'm going to have to pay to clean up his mess (again).. but at least I know it will be done properly. And if he wants it done, he'll give me what I ask for in the property settlement. And it'll be done. finally. I don't WANT another divorce; but sitting here separated isn't helping me heal. And Brad is not of any kind of mind-set to get back together (not that I would just jump back into everything... but we are married... and since that's not happening, I don't think I really need to entertain the thoughts or plan of what would have to happen if he were to miraculously come to his senses....)

I am thankful for my friends. Endlessly, still. I had no less than 6 invitations for Thanksgiving dinner at people's homes. I decided to stay home, in my pjs, watching movies, and made myself gyoza for dinner. It was just what I needed. I did zero unpacking or housework and felt zero guilt for it. I had a 4 day weekend... My only vacation this year.

I chose to stay home for that reason... and because on Saturday I take an early flight and go see my step-daughter for 24 hours. I didn't want to travel two weekends in a row. To say I'm excited to see s. is a huge understatement. I haven't seen her since June. And it was only for a week, a very short, emotionally charged week. And while this visit will be really short; I'm hoping it'll keep the door open to her and I seeing each other again, even if not as often as we would have, had her father not done this.

She's supposed to go see him for her 2 week Christmas Break. I fought so hard for us to get that time with her. And he's decided to not get her. She's actually happy about it because she doesn't want to meet his girlfriend. He actually told her "I have a girlfriend, her name is _______ and I live with her now in PA." s has actually told me "I don't ever want to meet her or hear her voice or speak to her. I don't want her to ever be my step-mom. Just you." I told her that if she does ever meet her, that she needs to respect this woman, and that she is in control of her own reactions and behavior. I wasn't sure what else to tell her... She also told me "My dad's a jerk." I had nothing to say to that... I don't want her to talk bad about her father, as much of a jerk as he is being... he is still her father. But he's not being a very good one.


I should go finish unpacking my kitchen. I told myself it had to be done before bed on Sunday night....

brain dump

I haven't posted in a while... it's been a rough couple of weeks. The work-week I'm usually okay, weekends are really tough. Saturdays especially.

This week seems to be dragging on. I just want it over. I'm thinking of avoiding social media for the remainder of the week. Facebook's "On This Day" is tough for me... 4 years ago, Brad came to me from deployment, we spent a couple days together, got married, and then he left for Japan again. I was so fully of optimism and joy. And I truly believe he was, too. You don't marry someone if you don't love them. (well, ok I'm sure SOME people do... but I don't believe that was true in this case). If you were to ask him now if he loved me then, he'd say no. He even told me he didn't love me then. That he just THOUGHT he loved me. That I lied to him about who I was.

I keep trying to be more positive, looking at all the good things in my life. The people who are supportive and loving. But this week is really hard.

My anniversary is on Friday and I'm moving into the apartment on Saturday.
I was buying a couple cards tonight.. and this part of me laughed internally as I debated on getting him an anniversary card, just saying 'I know you don't love me anymore, but I know at one point you did. And you are just lying to yourself" But really, why waste my money.

A week or so ago, I discovered his girlfriend's name. I didn't want to know it. I don't want to know anything about her. But it confirmed my suspicion of who it is.. even though he denied it was her.

He's separating from the Air Force sometime in November. His ex-wife told me that. He hasn't said a word to me in a while, other than accusing me of hacking into his email and social media accounts. When he gets out he's moving to PA to live with her. And while that bothers me, what bothers me more is that if he marries her, she will be S's step-mother. I am overly protective of her. I don't want her to meet this woman.


Nothing is happening on the divorce front. He hasn't refiled with the state and hasn't served me or my lawyer's the divorce papers he already filed... And the reality is that I was only dragging it out so I could keep my military benefits. But if he's getting out in a month, there's no real point to drag it out any longer. But I don't want to have to pay for it. I can't afford it financially.


I applied for a promotion at work. Rumor mill at work is that I got the job; but I haven't even interviewed for the job yet, so I don't know how I got the job.


Truth be told, I'm terrified of moving into this apartment. Terrified of being alone. I hate it and then I get too comfortable and become a hermit. Which feeds the depression.


I find myself crying a lot lately. I try to not remember the good times. Not because I don't want to remember happiness; but because ... it's too painful. And then I get mad at myself because I thought I had already dealt with the pain of him leaving me. Of him finding someone else. Replacing me. And you can say I'm better off without him; which obviously if this is really him, sure. I know I am. but that doesn't make the pain less real, or less painful. I had envisioned my life with him. Children, a family. My future. I was done. I was happy. I was in love. I was loved. And he stopped.

I am grateful for the people who have surrounded me during this time.
Rachel, who took me home with her the first night I left and didn't complain about me crying or wanting to be alone; but didn't let me be alone. Who didn't complain when I came back to her place with another bag of clothes... And let me stay with her that first week.
Deb, who hugged me when I found out he sent S home after only a week. Who squeezed me into her already crowded house, even when she had family visiting and there were 9 of us in the house for a long weekend. She never batted an eyelash and kept her door open (well gave me a key) and told me I was welcome anytime. And I went back twice...
Bree and Shane... my new family. There are no words. I was only supposed to be here for a month, maybe two.. And here it is 4 months later. Never a complaint from you, celebrating accomplishments, helping me pack box after box after box.... and then moving box after box after box.... and everything. For every night asking, "do you need anything?" And for not complaining when I brought so many things into your home, taking over more than 1 guest room. I can never repay you for the love and support I have felt from you both.
My new church family. I walked in with tears in my eyes and you immediately surrounded me with love. So many of them showed up for my move. Invited me to their homes for meals, to social events in the community. I immediately felt at home. My main reason for staying in VA and not going back to PA (the other being that I would have moved to the same town where she lives... but that's another story).
To anyone who has answered the phone when I've called, knowing I was just going to cry on the other end. For the hugs. For the prayers.
My family, Karen, Crystal, Jim... for not questioning "what happened?" because I *STILL* don't know... For the quiet understanding that sometimes I just didn't want to talk, but other times it's all I wanted to talk about
Dana, for answering every time I called, even at 2am and then sleeping on the phone with me so I wouldn't feel so alone.


Sometimes I feel like I've worn out my welcome. That you all think 'aren't you over that YET?' I wish I was. trust me. I'm working on it...

Pictures

I was looking through my Facebook pictures this evening. Not looking for anything in particular, just looking. I've documented so many moments of my life through mobile uploads, as most people on Facebook have. And as photos from my wedding popped up, or trips that he and I took together. I had mixed feelings of sadness and joy.
Sadness, obviously, because that part of my life is done. Yes, I will take other trips, I may even get married again  ---- far far far far in the future... But they won't be with him. It won't be the same. (It'll probably be better!? I can hope!) but in those moments.. I wanted to capture the joy, happiness, the view, proof that he and I were in these places - Tokyo, Hawaii, Charlottesville, Philadelphia, Ocean City - (ok some are way more exotic than others; but that's what makes up life, right?)
Joy, because being with him gave me some really awesome opportunities. I got a trip, to live in Tokyo. We went on a cruise in Hawaii. I gained a daughter.
I loved him completely. Some people can't say that. That they saw the dark side of their love. Even when all of this started, this nonsense, I still loved him. I still knew that if he would just TRY, that we could save our marriage.... that's not even what I'm trying to say. I don't think he really even knew what he was doing in the end. I do believe he loved me. I can't think he was just using me the entire 6 years we were together. But I think he has a misguided, mistaken idea of what love is. And he has no clue about commitment and vows. I think in the end, he wasn't happy. There were a lot of things out of his control. And in order to gain control of his life, he had to cut me out.

This post wasn't supposed to be about him. I wanted to say that, in the sadness I am trying to see positive.

I am moving into my own apartment the first weekend of November (the one from the last post). And I've been making a list of the things I need to replace - things I may have left when I moved, things that you want new for a new apartment anyway (shower curtain liner?!). And it's frustrating to think "I left that at the house, Now I have to spend money and replace it."  BUT "I get new things. I get to pick things that I like and bring me joy and happiness. I don't have to compromise or wonder what someone else thinks of it." How lucky am I?

There have been some hard days, but I keep trying to find the positives. I have a lot of friends - all over the world - and a lot of love in my life. Even if he doesn't love me anymore.

Apartment hunting

I think I may have found the apartment I want to move into. I just can't get the numbers to add up correctly.. and that scares me because it will only take 1 major car repair and I'll be in debt again. I'll start getting spousal support in October, so I can always use that to bulk up my savings account.. and then try and invite myself over to as many people's houses as I can for dinners.. so then I can save money on groceries. I won't have access to the USO grocery giveaway.. so there goes free potatoes and onions... which isn't much, but you can do so much with those two items...


And I don't want to be angry at him anymore. I don't want to care anymore.. but he's off living his life. (granted burying himself in more debt).. but he makes almost 3 times the amount of money as me.. and .. ugh. just thinking about it all drives me crazy.

The apartment: it's in a home, the basement. It's a small living area, and open to the kitchen. the bathroom is huge, the bedroom is a good size. It's lacking closet space (only 2 in the place) but it has a storage room (where the water heater n furnace are). And it has a small nook/area that I could turn into an office. Which would be greatly needed. Or maybe a reading corner.. who knows. The best part is that all utilities are included, so it's just one cost for the month. Now to make the numbers work.. and keep it realistic. I may need to get a 2nd job, or LOTS of babysitting lined up.

39

Thursday was my 39th birthday. I was looking forward to it for months and then the night before, I had a mini panic-attack. My first birthday spent single in nearly 12 years. (that I can remember... or that was significant enough?)

My biggest fear (in regards to my personal life) is that I won't ever meet someone who is honest and true and 'right' for me. It's also one of my biggest fears that I WILL meet someone who is honest and true and 'right' for me. I don't trust my own judgement. I don't even know who I am anymore. For so long I was SSgt Miller's wife. (3 years may not seem long, but most of my interactions for the first 18 months were with his co-workers.. so they called me that). I'm slowly re-learning who Stephanie is and who she wants to be.

I cried myself to sleep Wednesday night. I had so many hopes for this past year. 2017 was supposed to be OUR year. The court case would be finalized, we'd start the adoption process... We would finally be completely debt free.

And now I'm starting over, again.

39 has GOT to be better, right??

Apartments

I went looking for an apartment today. I was actually really excited and hopeful. I had about 6 places I wanted to check out - knowing I would only make it to 2 or 3 of them most likely.
The first place, the leasing agent was on a tour with someone else, I waited for about 10 minutes and then left.
The second place, they have a minimum salary requirement... I make $2,000 less a year than they require and even though I have excellent credit and zero debt.. they wouldn't let me apply.
The third place, was so small and way overpriced. Zero utilities included. I don't know how I would afford to live there.
The last place, I loved. It had great amenities, was close to where I work, so so spacious. And I was ready to apply.. until they told me their salary requirements, which I make about $15,000 less per year.

I came home defeated. Utterly defeated. I know it's all perception; but he's out there renting his own place, getting a military discount on rent "for his service and sacrifice" and I can't even afford to live anywhere! (well that's not exactly true, I could go rent a downtown slum apartment; but really??) I feel like I'm being punished for his choices. He changed my entire life. I didn't have a say in it. I tried to have a say, I tried to work through it all.

I keep crying about it. I'm trying to be positive and thinking, the perfect place HAS to be out there somewhere; the right situation for me. But really, I'm second guessing my decision to stay in D.C. maybe I should just pack up and move back to PA.

Happy

I am surrounded by love. People who took me in on my worst days, provided a meal, a hug, a roof over my head (for months now!) and have never asked anything in return. They have encouraged me, helped me pack and move, listened to me cry and unpack the pain. It's been a long road and I'm sure I still have further to go.

But as I was leaving work today, after a very long week, and a REALLY trying Friday... I realized I actually LOVE my job. (I mean, yeah it's work, and I wish I could sleep all day and be independently wealthy, but that's not my reality)... I called my sister to tell her I loved my job. Something positive for a change. I realized, not only do I love my job but..


I AM HAPPY.


to those of you who have loved me, housed me, fed me, hugged me, encouraged me, texted me, called me, prayed for and with me. Thank you. I can never repay you for the way you've built me back up.