Pictures

I was looking through my Facebook pictures this evening. Not looking for anything in particular, just looking. I've documented so many moments of my life through mobile uploads, as most people on Facebook have. And as photos from my wedding popped up, or trips that he and I took together. I had mixed feelings of sadness and joy.
Sadness, obviously, because that part of my life is done. Yes, I will take other trips, I may even get married again  ---- far far far far in the future... But they won't be with him. It won't be the same. (It'll probably be better!? I can hope!) but in those moments.. I wanted to capture the joy, happiness, the view, proof that he and I were in these places - Tokyo, Hawaii, Charlottesville, Philadelphia, Ocean City - (ok some are way more exotic than others; but that's what makes up life, right?)
Joy, because being with him gave me some really awesome opportunities. I got a trip, to live in Tokyo. We went on a cruise in Hawaii. I gained a daughter.
I loved him completely. Some people can't say that. That they saw the dark side of their love. Even when all of this started, this nonsense, I still loved him. I still knew that if he would just TRY, that we could save our marriage.... that's not even what I'm trying to say. I don't think he really even knew what he was doing in the end. I do believe he loved me. I can't think he was just using me the entire 6 years we were together. But I think he has a misguided, mistaken idea of what love is. And he has no clue about commitment and vows. I think in the end, he wasn't happy. There were a lot of things out of his control. And in order to gain control of his life, he had to cut me out.

This post wasn't supposed to be about him. I wanted to say that, in the sadness I am trying to see positive.

I am moving into my own apartment the first weekend of November (the one from the last post). And I've been making a list of the things I need to replace - things I may have left when I moved, things that you want new for a new apartment anyway (shower curtain liner?!). And it's frustrating to think "I left that at the house, Now I have to spend money and replace it."  BUT "I get new things. I get to pick things that I like and bring me joy and happiness. I don't have to compromise or wonder what someone else thinks of it." How lucky am I?

There have been some hard days, but I keep trying to find the positives. I have a lot of friends - all over the world - and a lot of love in my life. Even if he doesn't love me anymore.