brain dump

I haven't posted in a while... it's been a rough couple of weeks. The work-week I'm usually okay, weekends are really tough. Saturdays especially.

This week seems to be dragging on. I just want it over. I'm thinking of avoiding social media for the remainder of the week. Facebook's "On This Day" is tough for me... 4 years ago, Brad came to me from deployment, we spent a couple days together, got married, and then he left for Japan again. I was so fully of optimism and joy. And I truly believe he was, too. You don't marry someone if you don't love them. (well, ok I'm sure SOME people do... but I don't believe that was true in this case). If you were to ask him now if he loved me then, he'd say no. He even told me he didn't love me then. That he just THOUGHT he loved me. That I lied to him about who I was.

I keep trying to be more positive, looking at all the good things in my life. The people who are supportive and loving. But this week is really hard.

My anniversary is on Friday and I'm moving into the apartment on Saturday.
I was buying a couple cards tonight.. and this part of me laughed internally as I debated on getting him an anniversary card, just saying 'I know you don't love me anymore, but I know at one point you did. And you are just lying to yourself" But really, why waste my money.

A week or so ago, I discovered his girlfriend's name. I didn't want to know it. I don't want to know anything about her. But it confirmed my suspicion of who it is.. even though he denied it was her.

He's separating from the Air Force sometime in November. His ex-wife told me that. He hasn't said a word to me in a while, other than accusing me of hacking into his email and social media accounts. When he gets out he's moving to PA to live with her. And while that bothers me, what bothers me more is that if he marries her, she will be S's step-mother. I am overly protective of her. I don't want her to meet this woman.


Nothing is happening on the divorce front. He hasn't refiled with the state and hasn't served me or my lawyer's the divorce papers he already filed... And the reality is that I was only dragging it out so I could keep my military benefits. But if he's getting out in a month, there's no real point to drag it out any longer. But I don't want to have to pay for it. I can't afford it financially.


I applied for a promotion at work. Rumor mill at work is that I got the job; but I haven't even interviewed for the job yet, so I don't know how I got the job.


Truth be told, I'm terrified of moving into this apartment. Terrified of being alone. I hate it and then I get too comfortable and become a hermit. Which feeds the depression.


I find myself crying a lot lately. I try to not remember the good times. Not because I don't want to remember happiness; but because ... it's too painful. And then I get mad at myself because I thought I had already dealt with the pain of him leaving me. Of him finding someone else. Replacing me. And you can say I'm better off without him; which obviously if this is really him, sure. I know I am. but that doesn't make the pain less real, or less painful. I had envisioned my life with him. Children, a family. My future. I was done. I was happy. I was in love. I was loved. And he stopped.

I am grateful for the people who have surrounded me during this time.
Rachel, who took me home with her the first night I left and didn't complain about me crying or wanting to be alone; but didn't let me be alone. Who didn't complain when I came back to her place with another bag of clothes... And let me stay with her that first week.
Deb, who hugged me when I found out he sent S home after only a week. Who squeezed me into her already crowded house, even when she had family visiting and there were 9 of us in the house for a long weekend. She never batted an eyelash and kept her door open (well gave me a key) and told me I was welcome anytime. And I went back twice...
Bree and Shane... my new family. There are no words. I was only supposed to be here for a month, maybe two.. And here it is 4 months later. Never a complaint from you, celebrating accomplishments, helping me pack box after box after box.... and then moving box after box after box.... and everything. For every night asking, "do you need anything?" And for not complaining when I brought so many things into your home, taking over more than 1 guest room. I can never repay you for the love and support I have felt from you both.
My new church family. I walked in with tears in my eyes and you immediately surrounded me with love. So many of them showed up for my move. Invited me to their homes for meals, to social events in the community. I immediately felt at home. My main reason for staying in VA and not going back to PA (the other being that I would have moved to the same town where she lives... but that's another story).
To anyone who has answered the phone when I've called, knowing I was just going to cry on the other end. For the hugs. For the prayers.
My family, Karen, Crystal, Jim... for not questioning "what happened?" because I *STILL* don't know... For the quiet understanding that sometimes I just didn't want to talk, but other times it's all I wanted to talk about
Dana, for answering every time I called, even at 2am and then sleeping on the phone with me so I wouldn't feel so alone.


Sometimes I feel like I've worn out my welcome. That you all think 'aren't you over that YET?' I wish I was. trust me. I'm working on it...

Pictures

I was looking through my Facebook pictures this evening. Not looking for anything in particular, just looking. I've documented so many moments of my life through mobile uploads, as most people on Facebook have. And as photos from my wedding popped up, or trips that he and I took together. I had mixed feelings of sadness and joy.
Sadness, obviously, because that part of my life is done. Yes, I will take other trips, I may even get married again  ---- far far far far in the future... But they won't be with him. It won't be the same. (It'll probably be better!? I can hope!) but in those moments.. I wanted to capture the joy, happiness, the view, proof that he and I were in these places - Tokyo, Hawaii, Charlottesville, Philadelphia, Ocean City - (ok some are way more exotic than others; but that's what makes up life, right?)
Joy, because being with him gave me some really awesome opportunities. I got a trip, to live in Tokyo. We went on a cruise in Hawaii. I gained a daughter.
I loved him completely. Some people can't say that. That they saw the dark side of their love. Even when all of this started, this nonsense, I still loved him. I still knew that if he would just TRY, that we could save our marriage.... that's not even what I'm trying to say. I don't think he really even knew what he was doing in the end. I do believe he loved me. I can't think he was just using me the entire 6 years we were together. But I think he has a misguided, mistaken idea of what love is. And he has no clue about commitment and vows. I think in the end, he wasn't happy. There were a lot of things out of his control. And in order to gain control of his life, he had to cut me out.

This post wasn't supposed to be about him. I wanted to say that, in the sadness I am trying to see positive.

I am moving into my own apartment the first weekend of November (the one from the last post). And I've been making a list of the things I need to replace - things I may have left when I moved, things that you want new for a new apartment anyway (shower curtain liner?!). And it's frustrating to think "I left that at the house, Now I have to spend money and replace it."  BUT "I get new things. I get to pick things that I like and bring me joy and happiness. I don't have to compromise or wonder what someone else thinks of it." How lucky am I?

There have been some hard days, but I keep trying to find the positives. I have a lot of friends - all over the world - and a lot of love in my life. Even if he doesn't love me anymore.