Apartment hunting

I think I may have found the apartment I want to move into. I just can't get the numbers to add up correctly.. and that scares me because it will only take 1 major car repair and I'll be in debt again. I'll start getting spousal support in October, so I can always use that to bulk up my savings account.. and then try and invite myself over to as many people's houses as I can for dinners.. so then I can save money on groceries. I won't have access to the USO grocery giveaway.. so there goes free potatoes and onions... which isn't much, but you can do so much with those two items...


And I don't want to be angry at him anymore. I don't want to care anymore.. but he's off living his life. (granted burying himself in more debt).. but he makes almost 3 times the amount of money as me.. and .. ugh. just thinking about it all drives me crazy.

The apartment: it's in a home, the basement. It's a small living area, and open to the kitchen. the bathroom is huge, the bedroom is a good size. It's lacking closet space (only 2 in the place) but it has a storage room (where the water heater n furnace are). And it has a small nook/area that I could turn into an office. Which would be greatly needed. Or maybe a reading corner.. who knows. The best part is that all utilities are included, so it's just one cost for the month. Now to make the numbers work.. and keep it realistic. I may need to get a 2nd job, or LOTS of babysitting lined up.

39

Thursday was my 39th birthday. I was looking forward to it for months and then the night before, I had a mini panic-attack. My first birthday spent single in nearly 12 years. (that I can remember... or that was significant enough?)

My biggest fear (in regards to my personal life) is that I won't ever meet someone who is honest and true and 'right' for me. It's also one of my biggest fears that I WILL meet someone who is honest and true and 'right' for me. I don't trust my own judgement. I don't even know who I am anymore. For so long I was SSgt Miller's wife. (3 years may not seem long, but most of my interactions for the first 18 months were with his co-workers.. so they called me that). I'm slowly re-learning who Stephanie is and who she wants to be.

I cried myself to sleep Wednesday night. I had so many hopes for this past year. 2017 was supposed to be OUR year. The court case would be finalized, we'd start the adoption process... We would finally be completely debt free.

And now I'm starting over, again.

39 has GOT to be better, right??

Apartments

I went looking for an apartment today. I was actually really excited and hopeful. I had about 6 places I wanted to check out - knowing I would only make it to 2 or 3 of them most likely.
The first place, the leasing agent was on a tour with someone else, I waited for about 10 minutes and then left.
The second place, they have a minimum salary requirement... I make $2,000 less a year than they require and even though I have excellent credit and zero debt.. they wouldn't let me apply.
The third place, was so small and way overpriced. Zero utilities included. I don't know how I would afford to live there.
The last place, I loved. It had great amenities, was close to where I work, so so spacious. And I was ready to apply.. until they told me their salary requirements, which I make about $15,000 less per year.

I came home defeated. Utterly defeated. I know it's all perception; but he's out there renting his own place, getting a military discount on rent "for his service and sacrifice" and I can't even afford to live anywhere! (well that's not exactly true, I could go rent a downtown slum apartment; but really??) I feel like I'm being punished for his choices. He changed my entire life. I didn't have a say in it. I tried to have a say, I tried to work through it all.

I keep crying about it. I'm trying to be positive and thinking, the perfect place HAS to be out there somewhere; the right situation for me. But really, I'm second guessing my decision to stay in D.C. maybe I should just pack up and move back to PA.